[Deyoroku]

A wife catches her husband masturbating under the shower and approaches him. The husband:
- Oh dear, it was so dirty that I had to rub it so hard... it almost hurts!


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While making love, he says:
- Darling, let's do 68!
- 68??? What's that?
- You do it to me and I'll owe you one.



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Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
- Gorgonzola!
- Wait, it is not on yet.



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Two friends:
- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?
- Of course! How many people are coming?
- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.



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A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don’t bark.




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One woman stops a taxi.
- To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
- You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
- Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
- Well, you haven’t arrived to the airport yet neither.



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One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.



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Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:
- Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.
- You know, my son, I didn’t care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:
- Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?
- Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore.

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Whats the difference between 365 Condoms and A Tyre
- Ones a Good Year and The Others A Great Year

[Saeunn]

Right, long joke here but i heard Ray Winston telling it on an episode on Parkinson, so here goes.

I used to know a man, ripe old age of 87 he was, used to work in the stock market and was completely loaded. He had a nice car, lived in a nice apartment block and had a hot,blonde wife who was old enough to be his daughter, but, he had heart problems due to his old age.
well one day this man was shaving and he looked out the window and in the opposite apartment block he saw none other then his wife getting screwed by another man. The old man went ballistic, he ran to his door and smashed it down and his heart began to beat a bit quicker, he went to his elevator in his apartment but it was under maintenance so he ran down the 10 floors of his apartment and his heart began beating faster. He sprinted across the street to the other apartment. when he got there he found that their elevator was under maintenance aswell so he sprinted up the 10 floor and his beat faster still.
Once he got to the room his was wife was in he smashed it down and his heart was beating incredibly fast, he screamed at his wife but she refused to tell him where the other man had gone. As he looked out the window he saw a man running across the fourcourt to his car, hastily pulling on his trousers and doing up his tie. In a fit of rage the old man picked up the nearest object, a fridge and through it out the window and his went faster still and the stopped and he dies and floats up to heaven

The man running across the fourcourt lived on the 1st floor so had nothing to do with the old mans wife, he was late for work and and running to his car, when out of the blue. BANG. hes hit in the head by the fridge and he too dies and goes up to heaven.

Now in heavens waiting room the old man, the man late for work and another man are sat. God comes forward and asks " is there a mr franklin here?"
The man who was late for work puts his hand up
"now how were you killed mr franklin?"
mr franklin explains that he was just late for work and trying to get to his car when something hit him in the back of the head and killd him. The old man realises his mistake and when its his turn for god to ask him how he died, he owns up to throwin the fridge and killing the other man, god accepts his mistake and allows him and mr franklin into heaven.

God turns to the last man and asks
"So my friend how did you die?"
the man replies
"well i was hiding in this fridge".....

its really long and probaly isnt very funny, but screw you it had me in stitches

[Deyoroku]

Haha no lol it was funny. Although how the hell did you remember all that. It takes me to remember one liner jokes. O.o Musta really found it funny, lol.

[Saeunn]

well it was the fact then when it was told i found it so funny i pee'd a lil bit.

[Deyoroku]

. . .erm. . . yeah. . . nothing worse than pee dribbling down the legs... so i've been told.



c'mon people post jokes, lol.

[Arkley]

Another long one:

A man sits at a bar, and orders a beer. When the time comes to pay for the beer, he pats his pockets and realises he doesn't have any money, so instead he says to the barkeeper; "How 'bout I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, and you let me have my beers free tonight?"
The barkeeper agrees, but warns the man that it'll take a lot to amaze him.

The man then takes a tiny piano from his pocket, and places it on the bar. From inside his jacket, he takes a long, thin box. He opens the it, and out springs a tiny, 1ft tall man, who runs to the piano, and begins to play a jaunty tune.

The barkeeper cannot deny his amazement, and so agrees that the man will drink free tonight. But he cannot help but ask; "How did you come across this?"
So the man tells his story.
"Well, a few years ago, while I was serving in Iraq, I came across a dusty old lamp. And I've seen Aladdin, heard all the 'three wishes' jokes, so I rubbed it, just incase. And wouldn't you know it, a genie pops out!"
"Bloody hell!" Responds the barkeeper. "So, what happened?"
"Well", the man went on, "This was no ordinary genie. The whole time, the ignorant bastard was chatting away on a cell phone the whole, and wasn't paying much attention to me at all. But he said I could have three wishes, so I started wishing."
"First, I wished for a million bucks. He obviously misheard this, because the next thing I know, the room is stuffed with ducks. For my second wish, I wanted to be ruler of my own world. He misheard this too, because the next thing to appear was a small length of wood, a ruler, with a picture of the Earth on it."
"Yikes", says the barkeeper, enthralled by the story. "Did he at least get your third wish right?"

The man leans over the bar and says; "Do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

[jojothemidget]

One day a man told his wife, "I bet you can't say something to me that will make me happy and sad at the same time." So this man's wife thought about it for a few minutes and replied, "Honey you were great last night i orgasm-ed so many times, and i screwed your brother too."

[alaan]

Whats Red and Smells like Blue Paint.




Red Paint.

I have more but I'm going out.

[treelo]

First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

She does and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."

Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."